HOW TO KEEP THE SIZZLE IN A RELATIONSHIP!
Have you ever wondered how some couples maintain marital bliss for decades? What special secrets do they possess to keep their passion alive year after year?
You probably think I’m going to share those secrets with you. Nope. I’m hoping you’ll do it for me.
I’m in the middle of writing Dying for a Dude, book four in my humorous romantic mystery series, and I am stumped. I can’t decide how far to ramp up the romance between my feisty single soccer mom protagonist, Laurel McKay, and her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Detective Hunter AKA Detective Hunk.
One reviewer has described my series as being filled with sexual tension. But that’s only because no one ever gets to have SEX in my books. So everyone is very very tense!
There’s nothing I enjoy more than creating romantic conflict in the pages of my books. And I should probably admit, the pages of my life – but that’s a subject for a different blog post. Still, I’m worried that once I allow my couple to unite, those exciting fireworks they’ve shared throughout the last three books could be reduced to embers.
It occurred to me that keeping the magic alive between a couple in a book can’t be much different than maintaining it in real life. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, I can’t think of a more appropriate time for people to share their stories. I’d love to know how you and your loved one keep your romance going strong. It’s obvious my approach could use some work.
As for those authors out there, feel free to tell us how you keep those flames burning between the characters in your books.
With enough help from all of you, who knows what heights Laurel and Tom’s relationship can achieve. And given enough motivation, one of these days I might write a HEA (happily ever after) of my own!
Leave a comment by midnight on February 15, 2014, and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win a $20 gift card to the Chocolaterie of your choice or anywhere you want. It’s your prize!
Cindy, am cracking up. Thanks for the laughs to start my day. I understand the tension factor. When my characters finally hooked up, I got texts saying, “finally!” I have a love triangle and the complication of bein almost undead to keep the tension high between Jo and her vampire-hunting crush…and also with the unusual vampire who wants her to choose him. And as you know, Chocolate is important for the inner woman when crafting a romantic scene.
Thanks, Liz. I’ve received so many requests for Detective Hunk and Laurel to get it on! But I love the scenes where the reader (and the author) wonders what will happen next between them. I could really change it up if I added a vampire, or maybe a ghost. We have plenty of those in “Hangtown,” which is where DYING FOR A DUDE takes place.
Keeping the “sizzle” (read vertically :-))
L eave little notes to each other
U nderstand him (and he needs to listen to you.) Don’t take him for granted. Talk him up to everyone
S pend quality time. Remember to ‘date’ each other. Surprise getaway weekends with pretty lingerie
T ouch often. Hold hands. Smile when you see each other. Kiss every morning and before bedtime
Best acronym ever, Lisa. We all need to remember LUST!
You are so clever, Cindy!
I think leaving cute little ‘I love you’ notes and the recipient finds them and feels loved, never leave without saying I love you, ask how their day is going, listen to them when they talk, find a way to get what you want and make them believe it is their idea, don’t be jealous or too possessive, give love pats when you walk past them, be sympathetic when something goes wrong — just what I can think of off the top of my head. It’s worked for 45 years for me. 🙂
I’d say 45 years of a wonderful marriage gives you 45 gold stars, Paisley, for your advice. Congratulations to both of you!
Hi Cindy,
Always love your posts! In the fifth book in my Liza Wilcox series I had an old friend come back from her past. and stir things up.
Thanks, Peggy. I just started TILL DEATH DO US PART. I had a feeling you were going to create some romantic chaos! Love it.
Like you, I write romantic mystery novels. As book four in the Kim Reynolds series nears publication, I have to admit that my main characters, Kim and Lt. Mike Gardner, have made love but circumstances kept them apart. In real life, I too have been married to the same wonderful man for many years. I attribute this to his kindness, generosity of spirit and sense of humor–all characteristics I used in my series hero.
Hi jacquie. I can’t wait to read the new release and find out how you’ve successfully brought your characters together then went back to creating more conflict for them. Congrats on your successful marriage. Kindness and humor are the top two items on my list !
I always feel like someone else when I’m on vacation or when doing something I don’t ordinarily do, like surfing or some other such thing. I think that my husband sort of feels the same way because he’s more prone to trying new things when we’re away from home. Not sure why that is, but it just seems like we both are far more willing to try that next best thing, even something as simple as trying some kind of new food to eat. It’s like we’re kids again, finding something new and exciting.
I’m no expert, but that’s what I’ve noticed during my 10+ year marriage to my hubby. Get him away from the routine, and he’s more fun, more open and more willing to try someting new.
Now, Laurel, with all of her clumsiness and tendencies to find trouble, that could be a way to keep things exciting for them as well. God only knows what she’s going to stumble on to next that keeps him guessing and the element of surprise can work wonders on a relationship.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Great advice, Patricia/Jansen. One of the most exciting aspects of the writing process is when my characters get into trouble without any help from me. I wonder what mischief Laurel is cooking up now?
Cindy, I’ve wondered about this for years. In my ten-year Ruth Willmarth (Vermont) series it took me five books to get Ruth to move in with her would-be lover Colm. Her fault, not his! It wasn’t until a 91- year-old fan of mine asked right out at an event: “When are those two ever going to go to bed together?” that I finally did it. Subtly, so my nonagenarian friend would be alive to read it! But, seriously, you can’t link them right off or your fans won’t have anything to hope for. Best, I think, to keep putting obstacles in their way. Or if they do get together, throw another rock at them.
I knew you’d have an answer for this one, Nancy. Yes, the readers are panting for more action, not more obstacles, but I do love a romantic challenge. I like your rock throwing approach to maintaining that sizzle!
Keeping the boots on during HOT SEX since they were in such a hurry to get it!
Boots can be so kinky, too! Maybe, some added excitement with a stretch body suit that plays up those kinky boots; add a whip and you have a winner of a cool tall one & maybe a drink, too!
Wow, that spells SIZZLE for sure!
Laugh together. Focus on each other greatness. Tell each other the truth. Be open to hear the truth. Treat each other with dignity and respect. Date often. Have sex in every room of your homes. Remember that your are best friends first lovers second. Introduce each other by name first. Tell your spouse oe partner why you are grateful for them. Dont focus on the stuff that doesnt matter focus on what does and that will be what you get. Remember you spouse or partner have their own answers and want to be a contribution.they contibute to you always. And you want what they want for themselves.
Spoken like the wonderful life coach you are. Excellent advice, Cynthia.
Cindy,
So gracious with your words.
PS……And above all else – have something “play” towards together. We humans can get far to serious – so “play” is necessary. So maybe your characters get together on a rafting trip out of hangtown – lord knows my hubby and I had a blast with that..just saying…:)
Be well – I know you will be sitting at that typewriter and it will just flow.
I love the idea of a rafting trip. I have so many klutzy river experiences to draw from. Laurel doesn’t stand a chance:-) Or maybe, Tom doesn’t. Thanks, Cynthia
Sorry for typos. Phone keys small finger wide…lol
Ha ha. My fat-fingered typing is illegible. Great advice for one and all!
It takes work to be part of a happy lasting couple. Love-although not easy to find-is mostly chemistry. You have to be cosiderate and learn to compromise to stay together. It also helps to have realistic expectations. Red hot passion is muted by life events but need not disappear completely.
I like your three C’s, Catherine – Chemistry, consideration and compromise. Very nice.
Having the “New” relationship excitement stays alive for us because we both feel super lucky we found each other. Now that being said, we have had our share of rough patches, but building a life together for 20 years, what do you expect? So back to the excitement, we go on dates, ALL the time. Sometimes they are planned, sometimes it is just a random trip to the store. It turns into a date because we still flirt with each other, and make each other feel wanted, and needed. The best dates for us are when we go for a drive, we will go……when it is late…..and I will put on a VERY HOT outfit……and he just can’t seem to resist me……and you can imagine how this night ends! Oh Ya, it is fun, just like when we first started dating! We may be OLDER, but we definitely don’t feel old, THANK GOODNESS!!!
I’ve seen the two of you together and it’s like looking at two people who have just met. All googly eyed and everything. I love it! I need to get Laurel in those Zumba classes so we can both have a low BMI for Wagon Train week!
I’m currently engaged to be married, so I don’t have years of experience under my belt yet, but my fiancé & I like to share fantasies with each other, & sometimes we’ll play them out!
Congratulations, Catelyn. It sounds like you’re starting off right!
Great question and answers, Cindy. What can I add? After four decades of marriage, the sizzle is less a bonfire and more a steady flame, but it flares up every now and then. Sharing rituals helps, even simple ones like making tea after dinner, as does sharing deep emotional experiences. Expressing our admiration for each other–I’m amazed at his resourcefulness, he thinks I’m a brilliant writer. We still cuddle, tickle bottoms, share massages, kiss good morning, good-bye, hello, good night. Doing almost anything together reinforces the bond, from sneaking off-trail for a few hot kisses and caresses (yes, even today on snowshoes!) to taking out the trash on a clear, starry evening. New experiences help, whether it’s volunteer work locally or learning to cope with our aging bodies.
It’s far more than Part A fits into Part B. It’s the entire life you build together.
I’m seeing quite a bit of consistency in these long term marriages. Continued admiration for your spouse, not forgetting the simple things like the good morning kiss and the evening … And new experiences seems to keep those flames burning bright. Thanks, Nikki, for your excellent help and congratulations to both of you.
Cindy, I’d say keep the tension going for a couple of more books on the theory that “Will they or won’t they?” is a lot sexier than “Here’s how they did it.”
Thanks, Anita. I am the queen of sexual tension so I appreciate your comment! Those scenes are so much fun to write.
I actually had to think about this for a bit. There is a lot that can keep the sizzle in a relationship! What came to mind for me…
Getting dirty together in the garden and cleaning each other up afterwards…a weekend break away at a B&B…shopping for sexy lingerie together….taking a hike in a remote area and getting the sizzle on! Inviting him over for a dinner and wearing only a large sweater with nothing on underneath. Or showing up at his door in an overcoat also with nothing on underneath! Slow dancing to a Miles Davis song in a room lit by candlelight…getting caught in a sudden rainstorm and drying each other off…
After being married now for 12 years, sometimes the little things, which might seem ordinary come to mind. Like waking up and finding the coffee made and your cup waiting to be filled with the right amount of sugar in the cup. Making him lima beans for dinner even though you have never liked that vegetable. A hug just because. Pampering you when you are ill. Those little things that shows you that you are loved…
Hugs to you Cindy! Just finished Dying for a Daiquiri last night! I could picture the areas in my minds eye having been to Kailua Kona numerous times…Well done my friend!
Mahalo, Barb. I’m so glad you enjoyed Dying for a Daiquiri and felt like you had just vacationed there once again. I love all of your comments and now I’m wondering why YOU aren’t writing romances. Congratulations on 12 very happy years. With those ideas, I know you’ll be happy for decades to come.
51 years of marriage speaking here. The secret of happy marriage is if EACH of you truly wants what you would think your partner wants rather than what you want. When BOTH have this attitude, you both get your way equally and both are happy. When kids were little, Lee and I got up before the children and had coffee together so we have a quiet private time each day to talk . Now they are grown, he brings me coffee in bed and we sit and talk for an hour or so before rising. Keeping communication alive daily is the key.
For Laurel’s romance, how about putting Laurel and her boyfriend in a mine cave-in. With the expectation of imminent death, they will decide to ‘get it on,’ lots of kissing, good intentions, unbuttoning, etc and being rescued just ‘before.’ The intrigue goes on.
Hi, Elaine. First, congratulations on 51 years of wedded bliss. I completely agree that the key to a successful relationship/marriage is communication and it sounds as the two of you nailed it from the very beginning. I love the idea of a mine cave-in but don’t tell anyone. We want it to be a surprise!
Cindy I can’t give advice on how to keep a relationship alive but I can share a few romantic moments that definitely created spark! The first one has to do with a full day of skiing at Lake Tahoe, then a romantic dinner followed by a spontaneous romp, sans suit, (I was tricked), in an outdoor hot tub, with a yummy bottle of wine and the snow falling all around us. My clothes, because I was too embarrassed to walk out nude before I got in the hot tub, unfortunately did freeze on the side of the tub which only added to the laughter and sizzle of the evening. The second, which to this day stands out as one of the most romantic evenings, occurred outside of a quaint bed and breakfast in Big Sur. This B&B had a beautiful slow moving creek situated outside of our very private room. One evening my boyfriend, while I was getting ready for dinner, slipped down to the creek where he placed a blanket on the ground and put some romantic music on. He then set a dozen candles on various rocks in the creek. After he was done he came back to the room, blindfoled me and led me down to the creek……WOWZA!! We then, of course, followed up the evening with a game of strip poker in our room!! Ahhh, such sweet memories!
Those are wonderful memories, Marcia. And great material for future books!!!
Cindy, I feel for you on this complex issue! An example of why it’s not good to let sexual tension go too far is in one of my favorite TV shows, Bones. If Bones and Booth hadn’t gotten it on one night when she was vulnerable; if they hadn’t finally gotten together in a big way after that, I think many people would have quit watching. The unfulfilled sexual tension, as you know, builds up for the reader or watcher, too.
The tricky part is maintaining tension while still letting a couple have their fun—a bit of both. For instance, in the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich, Steph feels Ranger is an unavailable loner who does dangerous work, not a good long-term relationship choice. That pull away counterbalances her hot chemistry toward him so that they have had sexual encounters (at least one?) but go back to the sexual tension to be “sensible.” The temptation fuels the excitement.
For Laurel being a mom could provide the obstacle that makes getting together sexually the occasional honeymoon rather than standard fare. It’s the intermittent gratification that feeds continued desirability. That’s why it’s harder once a couple is married and into a routine to feel the thrill. It’s no different than foreplay. It’s all about build-up with enough release to start the cycle over again without getting stuck at the point of frustration.
Finally, it’s tricky for cozy mystery because they have been traditionally sexless. (I read a definition recently that said sex in cozies happens “off camera,” if at all.) Of course, that has to be updated, and a tasteful bonbon of encounters—or their beginnings leaving the rest to imagination—will be a Valentine your readers will adore.
Ah, Joyce, I knew I would get sound advice from a cozy-loving romantic such as yourself. And you are such a wordsmith. A tasteful bonbon of encounters is perfect. Now all I have to do is figure out how to write that delicious scene or two!
Here’s a delicious homework idea. You can read the sex scenes of your favorite authors and see what you like and what you don’t about how they do it. You’ll find the recipe for your own confection from there! 🙂 I think humor is really sexy, and since you already write funny, I’m sure you’ll do great. Many women say they love their partner most because he makes them laugh. In fact, the Eskimo word for sex translates as laughing. (They both involve spasm of release, right?)
Have been on the road so I’m late to the party. Not sure what I can add that hasn’t already been said. Janet Evanovich is the champion at keeping the sexual tension while occasionally allowing her heroine and one of the two heroes to get together in bed. The secret seems to be to find conflicts that can temporarily keep them apart after they have sex. But the conflicts have to be believable–not just silly fights. Conflicts could arise over the job, snooping, children, the reappearance of an old lover, etc. I’m sure you’ll get it right, Cindy. We do need to listen to our readers. In book three of my Marley Clark Mystery Series, I’m bringing back Braden (my 52-year-old heroine’s 40-year-old lover) by popular demand!
Thanks, Linda. I hope your road trip was fun! As always you have terrific advice. And I personally want to see Braden and Marley together again.
I am probably the loner here who did not like how Evanovich manages the sexual tension. I don’t mind the torn between two guys trope until a choice is made, then I like loyalty and fidelity from my characters. I will freely admit to being old fashioned (married almost 39 years).
It has bugged me for years that tv writers don’t seem able to write a relationship that isn’t based on keeping couples apart and ending the show when they get together. Sexual tension isn’t the only tension couples deal with. There’s lots of comic potential in getting past the “glow” of the initial romance and finding out what you’re both really like.
Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about exposing your warts, too. Letting someone in on how you deal with being sick, how you squeeze the toothpaste. Families. There’s a really funny old movie. I think it’s called Best Friends? Golide Hawn and Burt Reynolds maybe? They are screenwriters/partners who decide to get married. One part of the movie focuses on them meeting her parents, then his. it is hilarious, because we all revert somewhat when we go home.
Moving into a grownup relationship isn’t easy. Often traits we like in a boyfriend are mega annoying when living with them. Think about the room mates you’ve had. Living together has ruined many a friendship. I tease my husband that he is a great husband and a lousy roommate. But his greatness as a husband (and a father) trumps the…
I once heard the phrase “tremendous trifles” used to describe those things that can drive us mad. And the thing is, if you mine them, your readers will so identify with them, because we all struggle with loving imperfect, annoying people.
Sex is the bonus, not the end game, the be all and end all. it’s how you live together when you aren’t in bed that determines the strength of the relationship. IMHO.
Great advice from a wonderful author. Thanks, Pauline, for the wonderful tips. My brain is now spinning with ideas for comic conflict or tremendous trifles as you refer to them. We can all relate to that!
I’m with Pauline on this one. “Sex is the bonus, not the end game.” Pure Brilliance!
From the strictest, most objective, plotting stand point sex NEVER resolves anything between two characters. It actually tends to add to your plot for potential conflict, to ratchet up the emotional stakes and it increases the risk if you have obstacles in their path or danger on the way (as you would in a mystery, yes?)
Your fear is that they fall into bed and….all that fun flirting and sizzle is gone? But that would make me question the connection between those characters to begin with. If it’s all talk and dies at the first sign of real intimacy, then it wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with. You should look at this and see it from their vantage point. The physical stuff gives you more arrows in your quiver as a writer. Not less. Because it’s an excuse for a million new revelations, discoveries, and “inside jokes” between those two.
The new tensions become protecting those feelings, that relationship, savoring the heat and spice between them, fighting to keep the one they love safe, and on and on. You’ve allowed yourself to INCREASE the tension, not dropped it.
Trust me. With readers demanding more and more steam in their romances, a lot of writers have demonstrated first hand that a sexual encounter isn’t the last scene in a book. (Hardly! Sometimes it’s the first one! Yikes!) It’s simply a part of a more complex story and relationship.
Listen to Pauline Baird Jones. And then feel free to send me my prize because THIS writer lives on chocolate. (well, that and…tea….it’s a very unhealthy muse I’m chasing right now,)
Yup.
Spoken like the wonderful romance author you are, Renee. I think I have enough terrific suggestions to whip out two books this year!
Why thank you kindly both of you! I’m blushing (and feeling not quite so brain dead as I thought I was. LOL)
Try adding some tragedy and triumph to pull at your readers heart strings.
Tried and true words of advice. Thanks, Suzie.
Cindy, so glad to join your party. The most recent research shows women aren’t any more ‘excited’ about monogamy than men are. That being said, and having been married for 40 plus years, I agree with your commenters who find tension and relaxing of tension in a million places in a marriage-keeping the interest/challenges up. Ritual adds warmth and reward in a marriage, but so does handling a challenge together. Mystery (uncovered) brings in a whole new dimension to a marriage as well. We cuddle when we’re frightened, nervous, upset. This can, will, should (often) lead to sex…but for we writers, it also gives us the plot turns. Happy writing, Cindy; glad to hear you books are doing so well! Rolynn
Thanks, Rolynn. I’m getting such a kick out of all of these responses. Much food for thought. And now that I think about it, I need to replenish my chocolate supply. I’m sure Laurel won’t want me writing these scenes without it!
I agree with some of your posters, Cindy, that one of the best ways to keep the va-va-voom alive in a relationship is trust in each other & showing how you feel in little ways (notes, touches, etc). However, since your couple isn’t yet in a “relationship,” those things might be hard to do.
If you’re ready for Laurel & Detective Hunk to get it on, then just furtive glances at each other in public (& describing how Laurel tingles whenever he looks her way, or remembers their night together) will do the trick to keeping the heat up. Future books can deal with them starting to get into the little things loving couples do.
If, however, you’re going to prolong them doing it, my suggestion is to take a page from TV shows where two of the main characters are attracted to each other, but it takes years for anything to happen because, like you, they’re worried the chemistry will wane once they’ve fallen in bed together. There’s furtive glances, almost bumping into each other (or her falling into his arms somehow), followed by a long pregnant stare, maybe he stares into her eyes & sends a lustful glance to her mouth, or almost reaches out to touch her, but then moves his hand away, running it through his hair in frustration.
My guess is your concern with this will also make great fodder for Laurel’s concern. :o)
Thanks, Alyx for the insight and the reminder about TV shows. And you’re right, Laurel and I will be mulling over this romance together! Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.
Cindy, I think you can utilize a dream sequence that titillates and excites Laurel as well as your readers. Then reality hits and it’s a lot more complicated. Good luck.
That’s a terrific idea, Mary, and Laurel agrees. Happy Valentine’s Day! Now I’m going to take a nap and see what I can come up with:-)
Thanks everyone for your insightful comments. I’ve amassed an amazing number of tips for keeping a relationship going strong, in life and in my books. The winner of the $20 chocolate gift is # 20 Pauline Baird Jones. She had some great advice too!