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Death By Spanx



Congratulations to contest winner Karen Lange.


For those readers who consumed the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, please note this blog post is not about a physical relationship which incorporates any form of bondage or discipline.

Or is it?

I recently had an encounter that left me tormented and imprisoned. I’ve never felt such anguish before and hopefully will not suffer any permanent scars from this experience.

I’m talking about my visit to a local department store in search of a dress for a holiday party. The life of an author is fraught with peril.  You are forced to remain sedentary for hours on end, hoping to achieve your desired word count by the end of the day. Unfortunately on most days, my carb count exceeds my word count.

At the store, I found dresses galore in every shape and color. Unfortunately none of them came in my shape. That’s when the saleswoman leaned in and whispered, “Why don’t you try Spanx?”

At first I thought she said Spankys, and I couldn’t figure out how eating pizza would help my current situation. Then I realized she was referring to the line of firmware that had made the female founder a bazillionaire.

When I hesitated, she confided that Katy Perry wore Spanx and was proud of it. If the singer of “Teenage Dream” could wear firmware, so could a card-carrying member of the AARP! I told her to bring on the Spanx.

Seconds later she produced a beige garment about the size of a toddler’s mitten.  My expression must have appeared doubtful because she smiled and reassured me it would do the trick. My curves would miraculously realign.

I’m not the most scientific of souls, but I did ponder where exactly those curves would realign themselves.  Hopefully at top mast!

After shimmying left and right, up and down, and sweating more profusely than a hot flash moment, I was firmly encased in an item that must have been designed by someone who also built torture chambers on the side.

I decided I would rather pull my upper lip over my forehead than wear this item for another second.

That’s when I discovered that the torture of getting into the Spanx item was nothing compared to getting out of it. After a ten-minute struggle, I was ready to have the store call for the Jaws of Life. With a final tug, I sent the miniature girdle down to my knees.

At last I was free. Unfortunately, I could not straighten up and celebrate because I’d pulled every single muscle in my back.

The bad news was I didn’t end up purchasing a new dress. The good news was that I no longer needed one, since it’s quite difficult to foxtrot when you’re bent over at a ninety-degree angle.

Anyone else suffer a “fashionable” moment? I’d love to hear your tale.

CONTEST ALERT!
Leave a comment by midnight January 6th, and you’ll be entered into a drawing for a $25 gift card of your choice. Here’s to a safe and Spanx-free New Year.



108 Comments

  1. Jacqueline Seewald on January 1, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Cindy,

    Thank you for starting my new year with a good laugh! You are a great humorist!
    I confess I never heard of “Spanx” before, but I’m not all the fashionable. I prefer comfortable clothing. Terrific bargain on the price of your novels in ebook formats.
    And congrats on the publication of your novels as Harlequin Worldwide Mystery reprints. They are highly selective.

    • Cindy Sample on January 1, 2013 at 11:19 am

      Thanks Jacqui. As you can see, I don’t mind embarassing myself in order to protect my friends from a fashion injury!

  2. dkchristi on January 1, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    I have felt exactly the same! I thoroughly enjoyed your article and will share it with all my favorite friends with whom similar experiences were never expressed so perfectly and with no imagination required to pick up a visual image from your words.

    Last June I needed a dress to attend my nephew’s wedding. I had a long dress I had worn to an event and thought it would work until I saw the expression on my very chick mother’s face when I tried it on for her, in Michigan, after 21 hours of driving from Florida. We had about 24 hours before the wedding.

    Fortunately, my issue was length. My legs forgot that they are supposed to be slender around the knees for today’s skirt lengths (again). Finally, unbelievably, we found a layered, ruffled, black satin dress (too short) with a round neck and sleeveless. I had the perfect little sweater to add. Fortunately, the ruffles were wide layers (quite in style) and just in the front! They hid a thousand sins and the sweater allowed for a little gold belt at the waiste for just the right touch.

    At least it was fine through the wedding and the dancing and the hugging and shaking hands and occasional glances in the mirror before the thousands of photographs inside and outside (always above the waist.)

    The photo disk arrived. There was this big, ruffled blot of black, wider from front to back than I imagined and with knobbier knees than even my self-conscious self was willing to accept. Quickly they went into the photoshop software and out came this slender, stylish lady with the perfect hair and makeup in a slightly longer dress and quite shapely, created with clever use of the black paint brush. The gold belt that emphasized the wrong places above and below disappeared (black is such a lovely color to photoshop!!!).

    I know. The printed photo album either won’t include me at all (hopefully) or will have pictures of someone I don’t want to recognize. My set of photographs, however, include an Aunt D that any nephew would be proud to have at his wedding.

    • Cindy Sample on January 1, 2013 at 12:45 pm

      Hi DK. What a terrific story altho I doubt your photos required any Photoshop revisions. But you’ve given me a few ideas here:-)

  3. pat canterbury on January 1, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Cindy:
    This is TOO FUNNY! Life is too shart not to laugh and I can just imagine your struggle. Thank Goodness for loose clothing!!!! I’m going to have to share this with my critique group.

    • Cindy Sample on January 1, 2013 at 1:28 pm

      Thanks, Pat. You are so right. I’m going to become the Queen of Sweats this year. Although fashionably adorned with a rhinestone or two!

  4. Kathy Asay on January 1, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Hi Cindy,

    I’ve been there, laughing and crying at the same time, wishing I had someone with me to laugh with, and glad I was alone so no one could see the effort. And giving up at the end. I thought you stood when writing. You need to do a little foxtrot in between inspirations or a celebratory dance when you complete a page. An article in the Bee today said exercise helps the brain grow–and maybe not the hips?!

    • Cindy Sample on January 1, 2013 at 3:53 pm

      Tks Kathy. Standing while typing for hours on end evidently isn’t as healthy as it first seemed but that’s an entirely different blog post. Now if I could only find a way to type and cha cha at the same time!

  5. Liz jasper on January 1, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Started laughing at the title and kept on giggling. Brought me right a shopping expedition with my sister when we were trying them on and were laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe. The rest of the story goes to Our graves. Suffice it to say Those things are a nightmare. Ahhh, the many joys of being a woman. ;). Snort! Great blog!

    • Cindy Sample on January 1, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      No one is allowed to take a Spanx story to their grave. I expect another comment Ms. Jasper!

      • Liz jasper on January 1, 2013 at 5:47 pm

        No! I pinky swore with my sister. Spanx story to the grave!

  6. Nancy Means Wright on January 1, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Marvelous! You’ve made my holiday. End all the bad news in Washington with a laugh. And you’ve added a new word to my vocabulary. I thought spanks was one gave naughty kids. Now I discover it was another kind of torture! Happy New Year and thanks for Spanx.

    • Cindy Sample on January 1, 2013 at 5:15 pm

      It’s a good thing there’s no Department of Humor in DC! Thanks and happy New Year to you.

  7. Pauline Baird Jones on January 1, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    LOL! I have a scene in The Spy Who Kissed Me that mirrors your experience with Spanx, though when I wrote the novel they were called “body shapers” and when I was young they were called “girdles.” LOL!

    You know it all has to go somewhere and you don’t really want to see it when it does. LOL

    • Cindy Sample on January 1, 2013 at 5:17 pm

      Ha ha. I remember wearing a girdle with nylons at age 12 because my mother thought garter belts were naughty. Oops, hope Mom isn’t reading this!

  8. Barb Beacham on January 1, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Oh what an adventure you had! You paint some amazing pictures in my head with your words Cindy. The sign of a great writer! Here is my adventure…

    At one time in my life I had put on a bit of weight (which I have thankfully lost since then), and I had a wedding to go to. With all the dresses that filled my closet surely something would work, or so I thought. Not one fit well, and I called my Mother describing how I looked. I hated shopping and Mom suggested I borrow her girdle. Now this girdle was from the days of old. The area closest to the body was a section that had a drawstring that you laced up. Then there was a flap that you buckled down achieving further slimming. I tied and strapped down the beast on the day of the wedding, stomach area secured. I slid the dress on and amazingly I looked pretty good. I headed out to the car to make it to the wedding. I would be there 5 minutes before the ceremony was to start. Great! I unlocked the car and went to get in I realized I had an issue. How was I possibly going to sit? I managed to swing myself in the car, finding that this beast was not forgiving and that it wanted to choke the life out of me just for sitting. Could I stand for the whole wedding ceremony at the back of the church? I made it to the church on time, manuvered into a seat. I was getting better at this. The ceremony was lovely! Thank God the reception was in a building at the back of the church so I did not have to deal with the issue of getting into the car quite so soon. I stood in line to greet the bride and the groom and the parents, waiting my turn as people moved down the line. I finally arrived at the bride and groom ready to offer my well wishes when all of a sudden the beast gave up the ghost! I felt the whole thing fall apart and then land around my feet. Of all things to happen at a wedding! I left shortly after that. I will never borrow anything old from Mom again!

    Hugs to you Cindy and Happy New Year! I look forward to your newest Dying book!

    • Cindy Sample on January 1, 2013 at 6:49 pm

      Oh, darn. I bet that was before they started videoing weddings. You would have been a You Tube sensation, Barb:-)

    • Diane Dellicker on January 4, 2013 at 8:43 am

      Barb, as soon as you said that girdle was from the “days of old”, I just KNEW what was going to happen! It may be funny now, but I’m sure you didn’t think so, then.

  9. Wannabthin on January 1, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    What a great observation about slimwear. It’s just too funny what we will do to try to smooth out the bulges. I have also had the experience of pulling out muscles in my back trying to pull off an infomercial cami. When I took off my top, I noticed that the bottom of the girdle was bunched up at my waist. What was the point if it won’t stay in place?

    I think my most nerve racking experience with a fashion faux pas was when during a ballroom dancing showcase, my brand new latin dress almost made me a butt flasher. My new dress was beautiful and fit me perfectly. However, I thought I could sparkle even more in it with more rhinestones. I put on so many gross of stones that the bottom part of the hem became so heavy that it pulled down on my attached panties. Throughout the performance I had to keep trying to be discreet about pulling up my bottoms. Couldn’t concentrate on anything BUTT!

    • Cindy Sample on January 1, 2013 at 6:54 pm

      Ballroom dresses are a wardrobe malfunction just waiting to happen in every direction! Butts aside, I bet you did just fine!

  10. twfendley on January 2, 2013 at 6:22 am

    LOL! Great story and a fun post to brighten our new year. I sometimes chortle at how I used to wear girdles, bodyshapers, etc., when I couldn’t pinch an inch. Of course, now that I could use a Spanx-ing, I’d rather just breathe.

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 10:12 am

      Hi TW. We get much wiser as we mature. What’s an inch or two between friends!

  11. Betty Gordon on January 2, 2013 at 8:03 am

    Cindy, a terrific blog. Thanks for a great laugh to start 2013. What did we do before SPANX??

    Good writing during this new year.

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 10:14 am

      Now that I think about it, Spanx is probably highly preferable to those old corsets. The history of lingerie could make quite a horror story!

  12. Margaret on January 2, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Hi, Cindy. I could SO SO identify with this, as I had my own workout with Spanx on Saturday before a wedding. I ended up opting for regular old tights that I could breathe in, breathe being the operative word there. Deb shared this post with me–bless her! I am eagerly awaiting your new book. And thanks for the much needed laugh with this post. Have a great New Year!

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 10:18 am

      Thanks for commenting, Margaret. I’m seeing a trend in wedding related Spanx workouts. They do make you appreciate the simple art of breathing once they’re removed.

  13. Dana Fredsti on January 2, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Cindy, if you create the Spanx workout DVDs, you could be a gajillionaire…

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 11:14 am

      Hmmm. Maybe a DVD on the proper way to enter and exit said Spanx!

  14. Susan Shea on January 2, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Hilarious! I’m sure I’d feel the same. Girdles went out when I was about 14 years old and a pencil and there’s no way in hell I would even try a Spanx, especially after your perfect description. (Good thing I didn’t have a mouthful of coffee when I got to the Jaws of Life comment!

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 11:26 am

      Ha ha. I think they need to stick a Proceed with Caution tape on their firmware!

  15. sara hyman on January 2, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    I had enough problems with control top panty hose. I am very glad panty hose came out before I had to go the girdle route. I have never understood why people who claim to hate girdles will willing wear SPANX just because it’s “fashionable” – It’s still just a girdle albeit with newer fabrics. If you’re a size 2 and ashamed of it, then by all means wear SPANX to make yourself even smaller. I’d rather be a happy and healthy size 12 and chose my clothes to fit my shape than be a size 0 and miserable both about the clothes fit and the food choices

  16. Jenny Carless on January 2, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Hi Cindy-
    I”m with several others who have commented: It’s comfortable clothing for me. Yikes! Don’t people pass out if they wear something that tight? 🙂 It makes me think of the days of corsets. Ouch.

    Thanks for a fun post.

    Jenny

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 1:47 pm

      Thanks for commenting. You just reminded me that I once had a control top pantyhose injury that was diagnosed as pre-appendicitis. I feel another blog post coming on!

  17. Malena E. on January 2, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Thanks for this post, Cindy. I’ve started 2013 with a good belly laugh. Wonder if it’s even possible to belly laugh in a Spanx. I, too, laughed out loud at the Jaws of Life reference. Too funny. Can’t wait for your next Dying book.

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 3:28 pm

      I’m not sure belly laughing in a Spanx is a wise move. Could lead to cardiac arrest!

  18. Cathy Ann Adkins on January 2, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Cindy, your blogs always make me smile. I have often thought of looking into Spanx, thanks for saving me from torture.

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 3:29 pm

      I’ve saved another sister from future torture. My mission is accomplished!

  19. Melanie on January 2, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    So funny! And I agree with Cathy Ann above. I have not succumbed to the lure of artificial and temporary spandex realignment…and now I know I won’t be tempted!

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 3:31 pm

      Realigning my food groups is probably a better idea since chocolate is at the top of my food pyramid.

  20. Michele Drier on January 2, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    When I was in college, we still wore girdles (and slips, if you can believe that!). That was when I weighed 120 pounds. Now, some xxxx years later and yyyy pounds heavier I can’t imagine it! Love this, Cindy!

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 7:14 pm

      Hi Michele. I think those girdles were our mother’s version of a chastity belt.

  21. Kaye George on January 2, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    I tried something on for my daughter’s wedding. Not sure what it was, but I was afraid I would have to stay in the dressing room for the rest of my life,missing at least her wedding, and maybe enough meals to solve the problem. I couldn’t get it all the way on, and it wouldn’t come off. The saleswoman was wrong. I did NOT need that thing! I look like what I look like, period! The dang thing was so sweaty by the time I finished with it, I almost thought maybe I should buy it, but I didn’t.

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 7:15 pm

      I’m getting enough material from everyone’s comments for THE GIRLS GUIDE TO SPANX!

  22. Marcy on January 2, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    Cindy, All I can say is more blogging, you kill me! Miss you, hope all is well and kids are good.

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 7:43 pm

      There’s a limit to how much I can blog when I have all this daiquiri research to do:-)

  23. Penny on January 2, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    What a hoot, Cindy. When I worked as a retail associate at Coldwater Creek, I saw enough women suffer trying to stuff their stuff into Spanx to never even want try it. However, even without the firsthand visuals, all I have to do is remember my wedding day and the corset I wore to re-arrange the sand in my hour glass figure to have no desire to ever suffer that much again for fashion. It is amazing I did not pass out from lack of oxygen. I must say, I did look good from the neck down but there is a decidedly pained look around the corners of my mouth.

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 7:47 pm

      LOL, Penny. I may just have to steal that “sand in my hour glass figure” description. I’m glad I had an empire-waisted wedding dress. I could have eaten the entire cake and not had it show!

  24. Mary Beth Magee on January 2, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    Wait a moment, I’ve fallen down laughing and I can’t get up! Cindy, you are a riot! For my inside scoop on the subject, I’ll have to ask you to imagine a steamy New Orleans summer and a long leg girdle. There is not enough body powder in this world to convince that rubberized torture suit to slide on properly. And once you try to walk in it, the bottoms of the legs start a slow, agonizing roll up your thighs until you have giant rubber bands, one on each leg, gradually cutting off circulation. The only pain any greater than wearing those rubber bands on your legs is that of trying to get them OFF of your legs when you finally get back home. I was so glad when pantyhose came along…

    • Cindy Sample on January 2, 2013 at 8:15 pm

      Thanks for the ride down memory lane. I remember it well. Humidity and girdles are NOT a great combination!

  25. Jana Rossi on January 3, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Hi Cindy,

    Too funny! As usual, I can relate. I bought another brand similar to Spanx to try to fit into a dress for my high school reunion. I took them out of my drawer and my husband asked if they belonged to my 2 year old daughter. They were so small just out of the package he thought they were baby leggings! After I squeazed into those and my 2 sizes too small dress, I couldn’t sit, eat and i barely could move. I felt like I was in a sausage casing. I hoped nobody would come up and give me a hug because I had them pulled so high up, they were practically over my breasts, and I felt “rubbery!” In the end, it didn’t matter, I had dieted so much and then drank so much, I ended up passing out in the bathroom at my old high school and then Pat had the daunting task of trying to peel me out of those things. I never put them on again, but I do still have them, “just in case!”

    • Cindy Sample on January 3, 2013 at 10:05 am

      What we do to look good for reunions and weddings. Your evening needs to be a sit com episode!

  26. Vinnie Hansen on January 3, 2013 at 10:07 am

    You gave me a good laugh, Cindy. A lovely way to start the day! Like others, I remember strangulation by girdle, and the gymnastics required to attach one’s nylons on those back pegs. At least then we had youth on our side.

    • Cindy Sample on January 3, 2013 at 11:06 am

      Wow. I forgot about those pegs. All that stretching probably kept us in shape!

  27. Patricia on January 3, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Oh you silly, silly girl! Spanky’s would have been a better choice that day.

    I actually tried on a dress that I had to have the sales girl help me out of. I could not get that thing off. It was so embarrassing yelling “help” from the dressing room and when 10 people came running, thinking I was having a heart attack or something because I couldn’t breathe, I almost passed out.

    I’m not sure how that garment came off without ripping, but I have not set foot in that store again. I’m sure there’s a video camera tape in someone’s desk drawer right now with my ordeal recorded forever, that every so often someone pull out and laugh their ass off.

    Thanks for sharing the story. You always have such good stuff to talk about.

    Best wishes for fast and furious writing in 2013!

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    • Cindy Sample on January 3, 2013 at 11:07 am

      Very funny, Patricia, although now I’m wondering if (insert name of store here) videotaped my antics!

  28. Anita Page on January 3, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Loved the post, Cindy. It brought to mind this quote by Thoreau – “Beware of all enterprises that require a new set of clothes.”

  29. Paisley Kirkpatrick on January 3, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Thanks for the chuckles, Cindy. I cannot imagine your pain getting in and out of that thing. I can’t say I have had the same experience because I hate shopping and go for the catalog. But, I do remember being at RWA conference in Atlanta and when I stood up my panyhose slipped to my ankles. The elastic protested and gave away, I guess. Good thin I wasn’t up getting an award at that moment…

    • Cindy Sample on January 3, 2013 at 9:47 pm

      The trials of looking good. Those must have been a pair of “comfy” waist pantyhose. They feel great until they land at your knees!

  30. Donna Caye on January 3, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    “I decided I would rather pull my upper lip over my forehead than wear this item for another second.” I thought I’d die laughing!

    I do think folks who design these contraptions for a living must also design torture chambers. In fact, that’s exactly what my daughter and I have always called these things … torture devices. Yes, we wear them sometimes, when we want to squish and squash our jiggly bits into something ultra sexy maybe. But it feels SO much better without them! Like living in a marshmallow cloud… free, like nature intended.

    Do you think it was a man or a woman who first came up with the idea of cramming us into sausage casing so we could be “pri-t-tee”?

    • Cindy Sample on January 3, 2013 at 10:31 pm

      Hi Donna. I think the firmware designer also invented 6 inch heels and my ski boots. On a positive note, it does feel GREAT when we take them off! From now on, I’m going to live in your marshmallow cloud!

      • Donna Caye on January 3, 2013 at 10:45 pm

        Soft, squishy, and oh-so-sweet. Not a bad place to be, I think. 🙂

  31. Jeri Moser on January 4, 2013 at 5:55 am

    Cindy you are hysterical. Your description of Spanx reminded me of my fighting with my sports bra. Every time I fight with that deranged bra I think to myself who needs to go work out when I could just stay home and put this ridiculous MAN made bra on 3 or 4 times and get the same workout I get going to the gym. Keep on writing Cindy. Your books are a delight.

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 10:19 am

      Hi Jeri. Thanks for the compliment. We could put together an event called Lingerie Olympics – who can get in and out the quickest!

  32. Diane Dellicker on January 4, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Cindy, I loved this blog! It reminded me of the one time I put those things on…and had to remove them. I’m not even sure if I actually wore them anywhere, because they were SO tight. At least I got them through the mail (they are a big QVC item), so I didn’t have to worry about others seeing me through my antics. Unfortunately, I was alone, so I didn’t have my husband’s help to get them off again. Anyway, they have been in my dresser drawer ever since. I think I’ll stick them in the next clothing drive and let someone else suffer!

    All these comments brought back lots of old memories…of corsets, those body-shaping pantyhose and panty tights. TIGHT is the operative word! I think back and wonder WHY I “needed” to wear a corset under my wedding gown, when I had a 24″ waist. There was no reason I couldn’t have gotten a size larger dress and had it alterred, as far as I know.

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 10:22 am

      Thanks for sharing, Diane. This blog is beginning to sound like Fifty Shades of Fashion Torture.

  33. Theresa Garrido on January 4, 2013 at 10:08 am

    That was hilarious! Having enjoyed a similar struggle, I could relate with your dilemma and laughed until it hurt. Unlike Diane, my husband was home and had to come to my rescue. I nearly suffocated while waiting for him to figure out (he’s a retired engineer) a “practical” MacGyver-esque way of removing the @#@!! thing. Thanks for sharing. You made my day. 🙂

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 10:23 am

      Thanks, Theresa. So now we need to add a sticker that says “beware – don’t try on alone!”

  34. Kathy McIntosh on January 4, 2013 at 11:14 am

    What a hoot! My friend and style consultant suggested Spanx for me and I had a similar experience in a dressing room, panicked that I’d have to be cut out like an accident victim, with the Jaws of Life!
    Heaven forbid they should call these things girdles! No one wears girdles these days, just “firmware.”
    Your very funny tale prompts me to rush over and buy your novel.

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 11:27 am

      I’m starting the no on firmware club. Tks for commenting.

  35. Shelly on January 4, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Only recently heard of Spanx, never really seen it thus never put myself through the pain of trying to fit into one (or is it more than one?). Sounds terrible. Remember the girdles and garter belts of the 60″s and nylons (not pantyhose) that needed such items in order to stay up. That was funny enough to try to get through all that.

    I guess I will just jiggle in those areas prone to jiggling. What I can’t tuck in will show and you’d better like it (dammit) or look the other way.

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 12:42 pm

      Jiggle free and be happy:-). Thanks for commenting

  36. Karen Lange on January 4, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I love this! I can so relate. Thanks so much for brightening my day. Sorry that you had to go through this though. 🙂

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 4:07 pm

      I’m walking upright once again. Thanks for commenting.

  37. Kathy Sweeney on January 4, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Hi Cindy. Having read all the dissing of Spanx, I am compelled to give it one “high 5” for absolutely stick-to-the-job-fabric. Not so with my tube top back in the ‘70s. This little yellow number was so tight I was sure I could perform my early morning jog and not need a sports bra. It worked! For one day, at least, but the next day as I began my jog, which thankfully was down the back alley first and then onto the street, all seemed tight and right. Suddenly I felt free and “me”. Several steps later I looked down and saw the tube top around my waist.
    Give Spanx another try before you die. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself) I have read all your ‘dying’ books and so love them. Keep up the good and fun work!
    Kathy Sweeney

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 4:09 pm

      Lol on the tube top story. I’ll have to ponder another spandex episode tho.

  38. Bonnie on January 4, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    This is too funny! And, I can definitely relate! I have experienced similar struggles in attempts to free myself from these garments.

    My life with Spanx is short lived because there is a basic life lesson here. If and when Spanx slims the excess like they all promise….just where do they think this excess has “gone”? I tried Spanx in order to look like I did in high school when attending a reunion. BUT when I finally got myself squeezed into this “miracle” garment I noticed something much MORE noticeable than my lovely new waistline! Imagine to my horror I found all of my excess pinched and squished together and shoved right over the top of the Spanx band! Be prepared ladies….Spanx can slim you in some body areas, BUT it does NOT dissolve the fat! I could not stop looking horrified at my new shape! Buyer Beware is ALL I can say!

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 4:11 pm

      Sorry bonnie but I just can’t stop laughing at your description:-)

  39. vallery feldman on January 4, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    The question is does Spanx come in “girdle pink”. I actually own a Spanx. About 6 years ago I had to buy a dress for a friend’s special birthday party. She said,”you need a Spanx to make sure the dress fits well.” As this friend was my fashio guru I followed her advice. Fortunately all went well, spanx wise. ii I find it funny that shape girdles have now become once again fashion accessories, only now they are called firmware or shape-wear.

    Happy New Year, Cindy.

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 8:46 pm

      Hi Vallery. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your positive story. It is funny to see the old girdle re-labelled into something more attractive sounding and evidently they come in a variety of shapes (just not mine)!

  40. Virginia on January 4, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA! I laughed so hard I cried!

    I’m afraid to read the comments!!

  41. Jeannette on January 4, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    Thank you for giving me a giggle in what has been a stressful start to the New Year. I think we have all had a moment trying on firmwear that we are worried we will just be forced to buy it so we can hurry home to cut it off before we lose a limb or two due to lack of circulation.

    • Cindy Sample on January 4, 2013 at 10:06 pm

      Hi Jeannette. I’m glad I could provide a chuckle or two and you’ve done the same for me. Maybe the firmware should come with a pair of scissors just in case!

  42. Cheryl on January 5, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Thanks for the giggles. Many of us have been there squeezing and tucking ourselves into these shapers. Once I bought one for my husband. Not for shaping him but he had a hernia and was going on a trip before he could get the surgery to fix it. He was game when I brought it home. When he tried it on that’s when the laughing started. It wasn’t that he was terribly overweight but it was tight and came up under his chest which is hairy! The nude color didn’t help the whole picture. Then there is the man’s “package” which made him look like a ballet dancer. He tried wearing other clothing over the top and that lasted about five minutes. He became overheated and had to get it off. Pulling and tugging he managed to escape. Now he knows (a little) what us women go through. Yes, I returned it.

    • Cindy Sample on January 5, 2013 at 10:32 am

      That is so funny! I think all men should receive one of those as a wedding gift. It could provide us ladies at least twenty years of sympathy!

  43. Denna J on January 5, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    I too, have had the spanx nightmare. I finally decided that these are only for skinny people. I tried to wear them to two different weddings and when i saw the wedding photos decided that wherever Spanx decided the extra “skin layers” should go were not a good choice. I looked like a big brown stump. Keep the humor coming, love it and can relate!!

    • Cindy Sample on January 5, 2013 at 12:28 pm

      I think you nailed it, Denna. My petite daughter says they work fine for her! Go figure.

  44. Tari Smith on January 5, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    I have been a fan of spanx for several years..but I can deffinately relate to your blog on the subject…as in many times I have purchased a pair of “Leggs” and have done the struggle wiggle desperatly trying to cram them on…only to find I had grabbed the wrong size….nothing is more aggrivating than working up a sweat trying to get these things on when you’re already running behind for an important meeting…only to find….you’ve grabbed the wrong size! Oh..and it gets better…remember I mentioned I was “running behind?” You guessed it…no time to run back down to get another pair that fits. So you’re left with only a few choices…one…cram them on and fake it…in PAIN. Two, pick a new outfit that won’t be appropriate for the occasion….or three…go back to the store and show up late…..are you kidding me?! I love spanx because you can reuse them eliminating these types of frustrations….however; the gal who invented them, who’s made BILLIONS on them…”conradulations btw,” COULD LET THEM GO ON SALE AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR!!! I’ve never found them on sale EVER..even when the store which sells them has an “everything in the store sale.” What gives!!!?

    • Cindy Sample on January 5, 2013 at 2:12 pm

      I feel your pain and frustration. I have long legs and I don’t know how many times I’ve struggled to shove the pantyhose up past my hips and when I tried to stretch them – snap – that big old run appeared. Do they make Spanx in full bodysuit size? I’d love to have those curves fill out my cheeks! That would be better than a face-lift.

  45. Nancy G. West on January 5, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    HI Cindy,
    Hilarious! I hope your back is okay. I think you should sue Spanx the minute you can sit upright in the chair in your lawyer’s office.

    • Cindy Sample on January 5, 2013 at 4:22 pm

      LOL, Nancy. I wonder if there’s a disclaimer on their packaging!

  46. Peggy on January 5, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    Isn’t the definition for Spandex “girdle”?…”Panty Hose”…”Corsette”….”Lulu from Stephanie Plum episodes”?

    You are very clever and I remember every time you were choosing the right dress to wear to a fancy occasion. Ha!

    • Cindy Sample on January 5, 2013 at 7:56 pm

      I still have all of those size 4 and 6 evening gowns in my closet. I keep them for motivational reasons, but you can see how well that’s going. It would take more than Spanx to squeeze me into them today!

  47. Renee Bernard on January 5, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    I’ve been there…and after wearing a corset for a recent event, I had to accept that previous generations had fainting couches and spent a great deal of time in quiet activities that did NOT involve a lot of bending and lifting for VERY REAL REASONS…

    Nothing like that first deep breath of fresh air after escaping the confines of a “figure enhancing undergarment’!

    sigh.

    • Cindy Sample on January 5, 2013 at 7:59 pm

      Ah, Renee, you romance writers have all the fun:-) I think I’ll stick to reading about corsets in your books!

  48. Marcia Berbeza on January 5, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    I HATE Spanx. I won’t even go near them anymore. First of all, I’m a plus size woman. WHY do they think my bulk would fit into a garment that looks like it is a size 6? But OK, it said my size. I thought I would give it a try. What I found was that my fingers and wrists weren’t strong enough to pull it up! I have double jointed fingers and they were bent so far back there was no strength left in my grip. My wrists just couldn’t find an angle to work with.

    But I shimmied my way up and then I got scared. What if I had to go to the bathroom? At my age, things become urgent rather quickly. How the heck was I going to get this little sucker down quick enough? I did consider just letting go and doing my buisines through the thing, but then you’d have to wear it for the rest of the evening. All in all, I thought I was being kind when I left it balled up on the floor as I walked out.

    What I need, is LIGHT support. Something that isn’t stronger than me, something that will hold in lightly, but not punish me in the process. Still haven’t found it. Have come to the conclusion that such a magical item doesn’t exist. But that’s alright because designers don’t make fashionable garments for women my size anyways. They make sacks with 3 holes in them. One for the head and two for the arm holes. Is it any wonder that women of a certain size get frustrated?

    • Cindy Sample on January 5, 2013 at 10:20 pm

      Thanks for sharing, Marcia. I can see there is a real need for a comfortable smoother. And one that doesn’t require a hacksaw to get it off!

  49. Sarah Glenn on January 6, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Just finished a stint at Macy’s. This reminds me of my initiation to working in Intimates; the first question was, “Do you have Spanx?”

    I asked the experienced co-worker, “What are Spanx?” and got a ‘You have much to learn, young padawan…’ look.

    We haven’t come nearly as far as we think, have we?

    • Cindy Sample on January 6, 2013 at 7:19 pm

      Oh, Sarah. I bet you have some stories to share!

  50. Barbara J Williams on January 6, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    Only for my dear Granddaughter’s wedding would I climb into pantyhose without a gun to my head. I did manage to pull them up so that the top was roughly at waist height. And that was just for the rehearsal dinner. Unfortunately they (the hose) made me walk funny. For the wedding, I made an executive decision to go barelegged and comfy. Who looks at the bride’s grandmother anyway?

    • Cindy Sample on January 6, 2013 at 7:19 pm

      Hi Barbara. You win the award for smartest fashion decision at a wedding! Thanks for sharing.

  51. Jessi Gage on January 7, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    Oh my goodness. This was LOL brilliance! Thank you for sharing and for making me laugh!

    • Cindy Sample on January 7, 2013 at 4:14 pm

      Hi Jessi. Thanks for the compliment. Glad all the people who commented and I could make your day!

  52. Meda White on January 17, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    I just found you and you are hilarious. I can’t wait to read your work. I am a pre-published author and love romantic comedies. I know the contest is over but I just wanted to say hello and thanks for the laughs. Happy day!

    • Cindy Sample on January 17, 2013 at 9:59 pm

      Hi Meda. You’re very kind to comment. I have fun with my blogs and love reading everyone’s comments. Good luck with your own work. It’s a fun ride.

  53. Kris Wright on April 15, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Hi Cindy! I am amazed at your website and am looking forward to reading your books here in Carlsbad CA. I am so proud of you-doing what you love and making a success!!!

    Have a great time researching your next book, I like cover #1.
    xoxo,
    Kris

    • Cindy Sample on April 15, 2013 at 9:49 pm

      Hi kris. Thanks for discovering my blog. As you can see I hold nothing back! See you this summer.

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