Congratulations to contest winner Karen Lange.
For those readers who consumed the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, please note this blog post is not about a physical relationship which incorporates any form of bondage or discipline.
Or is it?
I recently had an encounter that left me tormented and imprisoned. I’ve never felt such anguish before and hopefully will not suffer any permanent scars from this experience.
I’m talking about my visit to a local department store in search of a dress for a holiday party. The life of an author is fraught with peril. You are forced to remain sedentary for hours on end, hoping to achieve your desired word count by the end of the day. Unfortunately on most days, my carb count exceeds my word count.
At the store, I found dresses galore in every shape and color. Unfortunately none of them came in my shape. That’s when the saleswoman leaned in and whispered, “Why don’t you try Spanx?”
At first I thought she said Spankys, and I couldn’t figure out how eating pizza would help my current situation. Then I realized she was referring to the line of firmware that had made the female founder a bazillionaire.
When I hesitated, she confided that Katy Perry wore Spanx and was proud of it. If the singer of “Teenage Dream” could wear firmware, so could a card-carrying member of the AARP! I told her to bring on the Spanx.
Seconds later she produced a beige garment about the size of a toddler’s mitten. My expression must have appeared doubtful because she smiled and reassured me it would do the trick. My curves would miraculously realign.
I’m not the most scientific of souls, but I did ponder where exactly those curves would realign themselves. Hopefully at top mast!
After shimmying left and right, up and down, and sweating more profusely than a hot flash moment, I was firmly encased in an item that must have been designed by someone who also built torture chambers on the side.
I decided I would rather pull my upper lip over my forehead than wear this item for another second.
That’s when I discovered that the torture of getting into the Spanx item was nothing compared to getting out of it. After a ten-minute struggle, I was ready to have the store call for the Jaws of Life. With a final tug, I sent the miniature girdle down to my knees.
At last I was free. Unfortunately, I could not straighten up and celebrate because I’d pulled every single muscle in my back.
The bad news was I didn’t end up purchasing a new dress. The good news was that I no longer needed one, since it’s quite difficult to foxtrot when you’re bent over at a ninety-degree angle.
Anyone else suffer a “fashionable” moment? I’d love to hear your tale.
CONTEST ALERT!
Leave a comment by midnight January 6th, and you’ll be entered into a drawing for a $25 gift card of your choice. Here’s to a safe and Spanx-free New Year.
There’s a nasty rumor going around that I can’t cook. I’m not sure where this rumor started, but I’m guessing it began somewhere in my kitchen. Maybe near that burner that ignited the last time I tried to sear a salmon.